March 2011
3 posts
19 tags
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December 2010
2 posts
Why Grumpy Menopausal Women Evolved
(We’re loaning this spot to one of the blog’s admirers with a tale to tell.)
Why do some women become volatile during menopause? You’d think that trait would’ve died out, if only because stone-tool tribes would have killed them off. After all, they were past child-bearing age, they were a pain, and the clan didn’t need extra mouths to feed.
Actually, the clan valued...
November 2010
3 posts
1 tag
Only Bieber & Gaga Beat Jesus in Online Searches
That’s actually good news.
Some guy at urlesque.com used Google Insights to compare the relative volume of search terms in the last 12 months for Jesus and 23 of the biggest celebrities he could think of (dead or alive). Jesus came in third, behind (in ascending order) Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga.
JC barely beat Michael Jackson, which is a good showing, considering there was a bit of news...
October 2010
5 posts
9 tags
Successfully avoiding normalcy
Once again, one of our corrrspondents evaded the pall of normalcy. He reports:
At 10 pm, I’m standing on top of my truck, cutting pine branches. They’re for a visual joke that also involves a stuffed toy pig. I ask the audience what I’m holding. A porky pine. Of course.
Two hours later, I’m creating a small lagoon of spilled diesel in my hotel’s parking lot....
9 tags
The Homicidal Tree & Disaster Dave
Disaster Dave gave a tree a hickey with his trailer, hauled by his cumbersome truck that maneuvers like my fat, elderly aunt trying to dance the quickstep.
Easing into a very tight turn out of a parking area cramped with cars illegally parked, there was the tree. Or rather, there it wasn’t. The tree’s unexpected girth hid behind a big bush. Dave didn’t care if his trailer pruned the...
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Sick on the Road (sidewalk, grass & ____)
In my last post, notice how I camouflaged the word “camouflage” by spelling it “camoflauge”?
Meanwhile, back at today’s episode: No, it’s not just some old guy reciting his ailments. It is I, the world’s most important person, especially when I’m sick, presenting the life-or-death wrestling match with my intestines.
Any epic global conflict involves alliances,...
September 2010
7 posts
29 tags
Whiskey, Revelation & Demolition
An epic wherein our hero encounters criminal football, kilts, haggis and whiskey:
Like many fairs, the Dublin (OH) Irish Festival had a demolition derby, except all the crashes occurred during Aussie & Gaelic rules football. (Yes, On a day off, I attended a fair.) What are these sports, and what’s the difference? They both resemble rugby, but maybe with more running. Aussie football...
11 tags
Blog was MIA because ...
Big contest to transform this blog into a column at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency (mcsweeneys.net). 10 winners but not this epic. How could it compete against columns about a transvestite, a part-time hooker, a masseuse, and Afghanistan war stories? (It could compete against the other six winners, but the still-wonderful McSweeney’s (in case they read this) didn’t think so....
This blog going dark for a couple of weeks
Taking a little time off from the blog until approx 9/25. I’m in town, hanging around, but … well, more details later.
Fearing the number of my subscribers would soar into double digits, I’ll kill the momentum with this adroit ploy. Seriously though, stay tuned. More blog fun to come in a couple of weeks.
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August 2010
8 posts
9 tags
A horse-drawn casket? Really? The dead person has gone to eternity. Why make the funeral last that long?
What could make the process longer than motoring slowly through horse poop? I know! Singing “The Lord’s Prayer” verrry slowly. (We already know the words. Pick up the pace! Only Jesus an eternity to listen, and I’m sure he appreciates the effort, but even he’s...
10 tags
I wore undies on my head -- but I wasn't happy...
After frantically finishing three days working on my stage trailer, it’s the night before I open. Time to fully rehearse the new show! It’s 10 pm, by the glow of Christmas lights on a prop, and yes, undies on my head — because my hat is MIA, and I never enter the trailer without a hat (it’s early warning radar that I’m about to hit my head in the trailer...
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Hot Air King vs Flying Wallenda
Do you know a little old lady? Imagine her sitting atop a tall pole. Would she be unbalanced? Not Carla Wallenda, 74. She doesn’t even need plastic surgery to be a successful pole dancer. She’s 110 feet above the ground. Who cares if her face develops a new wrinkle? Just so the act doesn’t — no room for mistakes when you’re at the top. (Back on the ground, she...
19 tags
The blondes know: You only need one pasty in the...
The first time someone said, “Welcome to the UP,” I thought it was a brand of port-a-potty. But no. It’s the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, a land where summer is just an excuse to launder your long johns, quickly, before winter arrives. On the southern shore of Lake Superior, I drove on a state road with a speed limit for snowmobiles! Uff da! (It’s a Scandanavian expression...
6 tags
Din-ner Time
The cafe sign said “Family Dinning.” If you’re too quiet, they’ll provide a screaming family for you.
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He's baaaack with "Bloody wreck. Police...
How’s that for a headline! Stay tuned for details. Yes, at last, your life is complete. The blog resumes. (Insert standard whining about why I didn’t post earlier.)
For new readers, see the sidebar for explanations about the oddities and essentials of touring a puppet show (preceded by vacation in NYC & Chicago).
Stay tuned for worse headlines, but better stories. But first, the...
October 2009
0 posts
11 tags
September 2009
13 posts
28 tags
10 tags
Goat entrails for emergency truck repair?
The truck blows fuses at night, again. Fixed it the first time with electric tape and a bigger fuse. But not now. I chant, spread goat entrails on the hood, burn candles. With intermittent outages of my instrument panel and trailer lights, I try new remedies in many scenic parking lots. My 3 hour drive covers 50 miles.
Hello, motel. The hallway echoes every step, every word, every door closing....
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How do you style your hair? With a hand grenade?
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” the insult clown says. “Look, the guy’s laughing along, even though his father tragically was a Brillo pad. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
The clown doesn’t pause. “Hey, little girl holding the big man’s hand. Do you feel like a blimp handler in the Macy’s parade? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” (“Hey, little girl. What’s it like to ride...
Responses from readers
Re “How did you style your hair … (insult clown): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think (the insult clown) is the right one for the job. I watched the video, and couldn’t tell if you can actually see him behind the screen???? (Yes, you can.) He’s far superior to the next clown on YouTube (“really mean clown”), who is obnoxious w/out being funny. It does make a difference,...
8 tags
A hot dog invented in Altoona? You'd think it...
— comment by a reader
(You can comment on anything via http://puppettrip.tumblr.com/submit or email puppettrip@tumblr.com)
Now you can comment
Want to say something? http://puppettrip.tumblr.com/submit or email puppettrip@tumblr.com
Eventually, I might set up a more normal commenting format.
12 tags
Just another day: demolition derby, waterfalls,...
Actual good news from Disaster Dave. Here’s his good day, sometimes they happen:
Saw 11 waterfalls on a 6-mile hike in spectacularly nice weather. (Won’t describe something you can’t get.)
In a nearby town, finally found inexpensive, high-top, turf cleats (it’s a big deal, trust me).
While watching fireworks at the fair, had homemade pierogies from a church’s food...
17 tags
Danger Mouth: Politics, Sex, Religion
Disaster Dave says a day with three brand-new situations rattled his ad lib expertise.
Driving his mobile unit past the county Democrats’ pie booth, Dave is hungry. So the puppet says, “Hey, Democrats. Got any apple rhubarb pie? (No answer.) What, you’re not accustomed to talking to puppets? After the Bush years, I figured you would be. (That last remark hesitated only briefly...
14 tags
Detritus Delight Us
This summer I’ve already eaten and liked: 1) a Cuban sandwich that looked exactly like a half-smoked cigar (at Moto restaurant in Chicago); 2) a peanut butter sandwich with lettuce — my Indiana hosts insisted; 3) In desperation one morning, I had Diet Mountain Dew on my Grapenuts — tastes like weak fruit juice. So I’ve eaten it again, but only when I can’t get orange...
9 tags
NASCAR GPS: Turn left, turn left ...
I run two GPS units simultaneously because they’re both squirrelly schizo in their own unique ways. Welcome to the skewed world of the GPS in my Samsung Instinct (Sprint) and my Rightway RW200 (first GPS by a new company).
Rightway also sells a Dale Earnhardt Jr. model. “Turn left, turn left, turn left …”
Some maps on my RW200 are so old that search results recently said, “See clay tablet in...
August 2009
10 posts
8 tags
Demolition Derby of the Senses
After driving the BAT (big-ass truck), piloting a subcompact is like a carnival ride. Thin-skinned tin zipping through quick turns. Running low to the ground accentuates the speed as unaccustomed bumps and noises compete for sensory attention. Add the joy of fast lane changes, uninhibited by tons of truck and trailer.
The BAT by itself is a lumbering, rumbling diesel dualie (double rear axles), 6...
9 tags
Desire & Panic
Two towns in PA: Desire & Panic. When you’re in Desire, you’re close to Panic. True there and often real life.
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Terror on the Midway, or at least a little...
Disaster Dave reports more than the usual number of skittish kids at his recent festival.
Even some of the bigger ones hide behind their parents when his puppet does what the festival business calls a “strolling act” on the grounds. Hiding may be shyness. But when children’s faces become stark or bug-eyed, that’s fear. (If they merely turn away, they may be just too cool...
7 tags
Road hazards: the Amish and deer
The Amish and the deer populate the twisty roadsides at twilight.
Want to feel like you’re from the future? Pass an Amish buggy in your car, Disaster Dave says. (He’s my performer friend who only sends me reports of trial and terror.)
My apologies for 3 posts on successive days. I promised I wouldn’t post daily.
8 tags
Day of Disasters
Actually, it was 3 near-disasters. But that headline isn’t as catchy.
Here’s a report from “Disaster Dave,” a traveling performer who only tells me tales involving trouble; so he asks to remain anonymous.
Two minutes into a rare chance for a long, relaxing bath, RIIIIINGGGG!!!! It’s the motel manager, “You’re flooding the restaurant underneath your...
6 tags
Columbus Discoveries
Verbal snapshots from Columbus OH, including expanded Twitter (scsanta) info re ice cream, from a friend. “I would lick my granny’s dentures clean if she’d been eating cherry lambic sorbet from jeni’s in Columbus. Regularly tagged as ‘world’s best ice cream’ by reviewers, jeni’s travels the eclectic side: Thai chili (best peanut butter ice cream...
8 tags
Crime Spree by Chatter the Catholic Chipmunk
Eligible for sainthood: Chatter the costumed Catholic Chipmunk. (The sweaty torture of wearing a furry full-body suit and over-sized head has to be tougher than a performance involving a couple of hours of puppet proctology.)
To be eligible for sainthood, you need to perform a miracle. Chatter swims. In his big head and furry suit, he races kids in the pool, even though packs of waterborne...
And furthermore
Responding to my previous post, one of my email subscribers (female) says, “I think it’s good you sidestepped the ‘pretty’ question. Too often girls want approval. I think your answer was perfect.
It’s amazing how those ‘big’ moments show up out of the blue and I think it’s great you acknowledged that ‘moment.’”
——...
10 tags
Thirteen and beautiful?
Kids, especially tweens, often want to drive the mobile unit that the puppet “drives.” My standard lines include, “No, you’re too young to die” or “No way, look what it did to me. I look like I’m 90, and I’m only 17” or “You’re too handsome to risk your looks in this wreckmobile.” I’m outside the mobile unit, firing off these one-liners in a small, loud crowd of tweens, who are eventually deterred...